


Barmecide

by tesselate



Series: tattoo au [2]
Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Aromantic, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Self-Harm, Tattoo AU, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-16 21:42:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13062735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tesselate/pseuds/tesselate
Summary: It's not Taekwoon's fault he can't fall in love.





	Barmecide

**Author's Note:**

> i present to you an au in which everyone is born with a tattoo, and whenever you fall in love, that person's mark is branded on your skin
> 
> *i found this in my Google docs; it's from 2 years ago lmao i did a bit of editing and reformatting but anyway have fun reading

Taekwoon had always wanted to study outside of Korea. It wasn’t as if he hated it there (in fact, he was rather comfortable, and that was more or less the problem), he simply wanted a change of scenery. His parents were exceptionally supportive of this decision and even helped him narrow down his ridiculously long list of possible schools. He applied to schools in Australia, Japan, Canada and (as a safety-net) Korea and had, somewhat miraculously, been accepted to all of them. Taekwoon had chosen the Canadian university because of the affordable student housing. (And, because his parents liked that there were at least three different clubs and associations for Korean and South East Asian students; they had really worried about their son feeling disconnected to the community.)

First year had been a blast. (Taekwoon’s definition of ‘a blast’, anyway.) He had kept his head down, earned a place on the Dean’s List while also finding a place on the second string of the football team (freshmen never made first string, or so he was told.) Residence had been a bit of a nightmare, he had roomed with a white boy who played his music too loud, always had friends over and came home at incredibly early hours of the morning.

Second year had been even better. Another year of the Dean’s List, another year on the football team (this time he actually got the opportunity to see some field time). He had lived in residence again – this time he got a single room – and was glad to know that the upper-year dorms were filled with quieter, more responsible students.

But then third year rolled around. He left his housing to last minute – he had been exceptionally busy that summer with both a full and part time job – and as such, couldn’t live in residence again that year. Luckily for him, he found an ad for a group of Korean students looking to fill one more bedroom in their home. Taekwoon sent them his information immediately and heard back almost as soon as he’d sent the message. All he needed to do was move his things.

How difficult could this new year be?

\--

It really didn’t take long for the house dynamics to form. That, or Taekwoon as the ‘house ghost’ (a nickname, courtesy of Jaehwan), simply picked up on patterns much faster than the rest of them. Hongbin, for instance (who he shared the second floor with) was very nice and almost a little too perfect. He woke up at six every morning, went for a jog for about an hour and then made himself a smoothie (Taekwoon knew this part specifically because Hongbin had accidentally woken him up the day after moving in; not the greatest first morning); he would then have his shower, go to classes, practice for whatever musical or play he was in that week, then hit the gym and come home to study. He was a very predictable man and a courteous neighbour, always going to bed before midnight and making sure to keep his music down so as not to disturb him. Living on the same floor as him (and with Hongbin not truly caring if he was spotted without a shirt) meant Taekwoon almost immediately knew how many tattoos he had and what they looked like. His was located on his left bicep and was a fairly small asterisk. 

Jaehwan spent a lot of his time working through – what Taekwoon assumed were – incredibly difficult mathematics problems on a giant whiteboard in the living room. (All Taekwoon had to worry about for math was his incredibly frustrating Introduction to Statistics class; thank God it was only one term.) He was also one of the biggest shit disturbers Taekwoon had ever met in his life, constantly making playfully snarky comments which would earn him a slap on the shoulder and an indulgent but reprimanding “Kenneth” from his floormate, Sanghyuk. Jaehwan’s tattoo (at least this was what he claimed, Taekwoon had never seen it) was Saturn on his left ass cheek. 

From what Taekwoon could tell, Sanghyuk spent most of his time either with Jaehwan or getting Hongbin to watch some Kpop live stages on his laptop in the living room. It must have been somewhat difficult, being the youngest member of the house (and being a FROSH) but he seemed to take it in stride, accepting any and all jokes the rest threw his way. He was still an undeclared major but seemed to be taking a lot of gender studies classes and seemed to be enjoying them. Sanghyuk’s tattoo was a snowflake on the back of his neck, directly down the middle.

As for Taekwoon, he spent his time floating about the house, going to class and simply existing. He spent quite a bit of time in the beginning just locked up in his room studying and playing games. He had started with a couple of smaller, free titles and had eventually gone on to some bigger games like The Stanley Parable and SOMA. Taekwoon’s tattoo was the most unique (at least in his opinion) it was the constellation Canis Major and was on the inside of his right elbow. 

The group had deemed that every Friday evening they would abandon their homework (or more likely, their procrastination) and watch a movie, eat some dinner and just spend time together. The tradition had started – accidentally – with everyone bringing some form of takeout home on the Friday they’d all – coincidentally – moved in and huddled around Jaehwan’s laptop to watch _Oldboy_ together. The laptop was immediately switched out for the television; something they would even play board or video games to shake things up a little. All that really mattered (apparently, Taekwoon had remained silent as the rest of his housemate gushed and promised to make a tradition of it) was that they were together and bonding. 

Taekwoon found, surprisingly, that the more weeks that went by, the less he minded the whole ordeal. He liked his housemates. For the most part, they left him alone when he needed it and that truly was all he needed.

\--

The second ‘House Night’ was vastly different from what Taekwoon had been expecting. Hongbin bought everyone some Greek takeout (Taekwoon had never heard of a spanakopita before and now he was fairly certain that he would never be able to live without another one) and brought some strays with him.

“Hey guys! Hope you don’t mind but I made some friends on the way!” Hongbin beamed, as he waved the two strangers into the living room. Both of them held plastic bags full of takeout containers, so Taekwoon assumed that Hongbin had met with them in the line at the Greek place.

Introductions quickly went underway which was all well and good (well, not really, as Taekwoon hadn’t been warned they would have company over and he wasn’t very fond of meeting new people at the best of times) and Taekwoon was even able to make a mental catalogue of the two. Wonshik was the blonde one and had apparently been childhood friends with Hongbin. His family moved to Seoul for job opportunities and as such the two had lost touch over the years. Wonshik had (apparently, he wasn’t sure if he believed him) trained in a company called Big Hit and had gotten close to debut, but hadn’t made the final lineup. He was in PoliSci but his passion was music; apparently he was a Soundcloud rapper, whatever that meant. Hakyeon was the one with the black hair and the eyeliner with a perky, doting nature. He had studied in a performing arts high school in Japan and had been a dance major apparently. Now that he was in college however, he was doing a double major in international business and math with a minor in dance _and_ he was a principal dancer on the university’s official competitive dance team. But there was something…off about him. Taekwoon wasn’t sure what it was about the tanned boy, but it made him feel incredibly strange. 

It wasn’t until most people were drunk – or on their way too it – that Taekwoon got the chance to speak with either of them privately. Everyone was howling with laughter at some stupid joke Wonshik had made (Sanghyuk slapping Jaehwan’s leg so hard that the other shoved him playfully, causing the lanky boy to fall off the couch) and Taekwoon had retreated to the kitchen to grab some water and an Advil. Apparently Hakyeon had something similar in mind as he found the other there, nursing a half-empty glass.

“Hey,” Hakyeon smiled softly (a vastly different, better, look than the overly excited grin he’d been sporting for the better part of the night.) “This really isn’t your scene, huh? Parties I mean. You seem much quieter than the rest of them.”

Taekwoon shrugged slightly as he retrieved a mug from the pantry and the Brita from the fridge. “Mm. They get really noisy sometimes.”

Hakyeon hummed quietly as noise from the rest of the group filtered into the kitchen. Taekwoon downed half his glass before turning his attention to the tanned boy and _really_ inspecting him. His skin looked incredibly soft – the sort that demanded to be bitten, if only to test the texture – his lips full and inviting, his eyes dark but kind. (It seemed as though Hakyeon had thought to look him over too, because when they made eye contact, Hakyeon’s cheeks became darker and he sipped his water as if to avoid something.) But that was when Taekwoon finally noticed what truly made him stop in regards to Hakyeon – just as the other brought his hands up to awkwardly scratch the back of his neck – his hands were a faded red and covered in bandages.

Taekwoon may have social issues, but even he knew better than to comment on it (though he had to admit that his curiosity was definitely piqued.)

“Well, I guess I’d better get back in there.” Hakyeon paused to refill his glass. “But you know, if you want to head upstairs – take a breather, escape, whatever – I’ll cover for you.” And with a wink, he headed back into the living room, laughing just as boisterously as the rest of them.

Taekwoon did end up hiding away in his room for the rest of the night, but couldn’t keep his mind from straying back to thoughts of bandaged hands, kind eyes and the promise of safety.

\--

 _Question twelve: Origin: Edge of entire ramus of the pubis; Ishium and ishil tuberosity Inseration: whole length of linea aspera; Inner condyloid ridge; adductor tubercle. A: Gluteus medius B: Tensor Fasciae Latae C: Adductor Longus D: Adductor mangus._ Taekwoon clicked his tongue as he circled the (very obvious) answer. There was no doubt in his mind he was going to ace this quiz; if this practice quiz was an indication then there would be no complications whatsoever.

“Hey.”

Taekwoon’s head snapped towards the door, startled by the unexpected voice. (How had he forgotten to close his door?) It was Hakyeon. Strange. What was Hakyeon doing in the mouth of his door at – he checked his watch – eight-thirty on a Thursday night?

A soft, somewhat sheepish smile spread across the elder’s face (almost the same smile he’d given in the kitchen when they had first met the week prior) and walked into the room, placing a cup of coffee on his desk. Taekwoon couldn’t help but notice that the bandages on his hands were fresh and his skin was a slightly angrier shade of red tonight.

“I um, I was hanging out with Wonshik and Hongbin and, uh, they said you’d holed yourself up here to study all night. So, you know, I figured if you were going to torture yourself, you might need a friend,” Hakyeon explained as Taekwoon took a tentative sip of whatever the other had given him. (God, it was a latte. And from his favourite shop to boot.) “I noticed that you really liked lattes, so I took the liberty…” A pause as Taekwoon took another sip. Hakyeon reached out and touched the back of Taekwoon’s neck in such a tender way that he didn’t dare protest. “Well, I’ll let you get back to your work. See you around.”

Taekwoon watched in silence for a moment as Hakyeon made his way towards the stairs – in those jeans, how could he not want to watch him walk away for a bit – before softly calling out to him. Hakyeon immediately turned back to him, a curious look in his eye. Taekwoon slowly got up from his seat and walked to the tanned boy. He had no idea what came over him, all he knew was one minute he was giving Hakyeon a chaste peck on the lips (something he had absolutely _not_ planned on doing, mind you) and the next his bedroom door was locked, Hakyeon was shirtless in his bed, the latte on his desk, long since forgotten.

\--

Cha Hakyeon had a lot of tattoos. He had two full sleeves; that was more than he’d seen on anyone before. Taekwoon knew better than to ask about his love life, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t insanely curious. How did someone twenty-one years old already have two full sleeves (probably well over ten tattoos per arm)? How did someone fall in love so many times?

His housemates only had a handful each outside their own. Hongbin had one (which apparently belonged to Wonshik, but no one talked about it, really), Sanghyuk had three and Jaehwan had two, Taekwoon had none.

And that fact was fascinating to Hakyeon. 

“You’ve never been in love?” He questioned as he ran his fingertips up and down Taekwoon’s chest.

This felt like an awkward conversation for their first time together.

“No. Don’t want to.” His answer was short. Mostly because he didn’t want to answer. Didn’t feel the need to. This had nothing to do with Hakyeon.

The tanned boy chuckled sheepishly as he looked over his own markings. “Well, can’t exactly say the same for me. Obviously. I’m a lovey person.” He must have noticed the discomfort on Taekwoon’s face. “But I think I want to try the casual thing for a while, you know? See what it’s like.”

Taekwoon nodded, mostly because he wasn’t sure what to say. 

“Ready to go again?” The elder asked as he wiped his bangs from his eyes.

“Yeah.” Sex, Taekwoon understood.

\--

The second time the two “fell into bed together” – as Sanghyuk would probably put it – was a little better. Or, at the very least, they had both gone into it knowing exactly what was going to happen. Taekwoon had spent the day in Hakyeon and Wonshik’s apartment (because apparently, they lived together – though he supposed that shouldn’t have been such a surprise to him) studying with Hakyeon. Taekwoon had desperately needed to get out of the house because Hongbin had a girl over and if the dimpled man’s charisma was any indication, they would probably be doing things that Taekwoon wouldn’t want to think about at that very moment. 

The day had started out somewhat slow, perhaps a little awkward as neither of them were completely sure where they stood. Taekwoon had no clue how to act around Hakyeon after that night together, and his hesitation only doubled when they were alone. They had spent hours simply lying naked next to each other, pleasuring each other with their mouths, doing things that – at least in Taekwoon’s experience – one usually didn’t do with someone whose last name was a mystery to you. 

While he was completely fine with what had happened (ridiculously fine, actually, as Hakyeon had an incredibly talented tongue) he wasn’t sure what the elder thought of their time together. What were his fears? His expectations? How would this affect their future interactions? Did Wonshik know about it? Was Hakyeon expecting a relationship? Did he want to just be fuck buddies? Did he want to try and be friends and just leave their secret tryst behind them? These thoughts and many more like them distracted Taekwoon for days, filling him with a sense of foreboding. If only there was a way for him to read minds, or at the very least _know_ ; it would save him so much damn time and worry (time that he didn’t have, worry that he didn’t want to give.)

The uncomfortable air subsided a fair bit faster than he had expected, if only because Hakyeon had a very soothing aura about him – even if he could be overbearingly paternal sometimes. It wasn’t long before Taekwoon found himself straddling Hakyeon’s lap on the couch, his hands tangled in the shorter male’s hair as Hakyeon’s hands kneaded his ass through his (admittedly) too-tight jeans. It took even less time for them to move to the bedroom.

Hakyeon, he found, was a bit of a cuddler. Instead of simply going about their business once they were done and trying to make up for lost time, he insisted that he spoon Taekwoon for a short while. It had taken quite a bit of whining, begging and (unfortunately) pouting before Taekwoon finally insisted on compromising and simply lying side-by-side. 

He could absolutely see this becoming a habit. Hakyeon was attractive – no one with eyes would dare try to deny that – and was almost unfairly skilled with his tongue and hands. Yes, Cha Hakyeon could potentially become an addiction; he just hoped it would be a constructive, fulfilling one.

As he ran the tips of his fingers up and down the elder’s chest (marvelling at the difference in skin tone) he finally spoke up. “Are you hungry? Should we make something?”

Hakyeon seemed to deliberate for a moment before offering Taekwoon a wicked grin. “Sure, we could eat in. Or we could eat out. Or I could eat _you_ out.” He then winked in such an over-the-top fashion that Taekwoon wished for one, fleeting moment that his face would get stuck. However, it didn’t, and instead it fell into a wide, shit-eating-grin, so Taekwoon settled on punching him in the shoulder as hard as he could instead.

He decided it was much more satisfying that way.

\--

Taekwoon’s hair was really beginning to bother him. His bangs had grown past his cheekbones and the hair on his neck was beginning to brush the top of his spine. He had never allowed his hair to grow this long before, but he had been so consumed by school work (and admittedly, spending so much of his time either with Hakyeon or on Steam) that it had simply slipped his mind. In fact, it wasn’t until he was in the middle of date night that he even really began to notice it.

“I need a haircut,” he grumbled as he brushed his hair our of his eyes for what seemed like the billionth time since the start of the film.

Hakyeon cooed softly, pulling his attention from the screen to tuck some hair behind Taekwoon’s ear. “Aw, do you have to? You look so sexy with long hair.”

Taekwoon grimaced (in displeasure at the idea, he was sure; definitely not because Hakyeon was staring at him like he held the world in his hands) and scoffed. The two lapsed back into silence and turned their attention back to the laptop. Taekwoon went to the hairdressers’ the next day but he didn’t get it as short as he had originally hoped; instead he got it styled. Hakyeon noticed, of course he noticed.

Neither commented on it.

\--

If Taekwoon knew nothing else about Hakyeon it was this: Hakyeon was not a forgetful person. He wasn’t scatterbrained, flighty or the least bit careless. So Taekwoon couldn’t figure out for the life of him how the other managed to constantly leave things behind after their ‘visits’. A pair of socks here, a necklace there. It had gotten so bad that he was considering emptying out one of his drawers to stuff everything into. He was even beginning to think that Hakyeon might be doing it on purpose, not that he’d ever voice as much. 

Taekwoon awoke one particularly sunny Tuesday morning in late September to an empty bed and a text from Hakyeon. He furrowed his brows and groggily reached over to the bedside able to read whatever the hell he’d been sent at the ungodly hour of – he checked his phone – seven-thirty in the morning.

From: Hakyeon  
**Had to run to class!! Couldn’t find my shirt so I borrowed your sweater hehe >:3c See you tonight! Mmmmmwa!**

Taekwoon rolled his eyes before closing them again, completely prepared to go back to sleep. But then it hit him. It was Tuesday. Hakyeon didn’t have class until eleven on Tuesdays. Why would he lie about that? Curious (though mostly a little grumpy over having been lied to over something so stupid) he got out of bed and shuffled around the room. His favourite sweater – one Hakyeon had been eyeing for a while now – was missing from the back of his desk chair. On the desk, not even a foot from where his sweater had sat, was Hakyeon’s shirt.

Ass. 

Taekoon rolled his eyes once more and picked up the shirt to shove into his hamper. Once standing over it, though, he hesitated. Slowly, he lifted the shirt to his face (feeling stupid all the while) and inhaled delicately. It smelled exactly like Hakyeon. He pursed his lips, a small blush forming on the apples of his cheeks, before shrugging the shirt onto his naked body and flopping back down onto bed.

He felt warm.

\--

Time was irrelevant when he was with Hakyeon. Hours, minutes, seconds, none of it truly mattered. They spent hazy October afternoons wrapped up in each other, lazy kisses and Netflix filling the gaps between conversation. Hakyeon, he noticed, had the habit of taking a hold of the back of his neck. At first it had started him – it was such an unexpected place for someone to fixate on – but eventually he learned how to differentiate between the types of touches; squeezing, holding and stroking all had different meanings. So, when the pad of Hakyeon’s thumb worked its way up and down Taekwoon’s spine after their lips broke apart, he nuzzled into the touch instead of shying away from it.

He was still working on growing used to the tender way Hakyeon stared at him though. Cha Hakyeon may have been a passionate person, but there was something a little too affectionate in his gaze, which made Taekwoon’s stomach turn.

“You’re like a cat,” he breathed, as if he was afraid of shattering the silence around them, “you’re so finicky about touching.”

Taekwoon responded by reaching forward and pinching the end of Hakyeon’s nose between his thumb and forefinger. “I love touching, PDA’s just not really my thing. I don’t want to see other people getting handsy, why would I want to make them watch me get handsy?”

“Well, I’m just glad you’re into it at all,” Hakyeon admit with a small smile before leaning in and running his kiss swollen lips along the other’s jaw. “And I’m glad I’m the one you’re doing it with. Be right back.”

Taekwoon, acting purely on instinct, pinched Hakyeon’s ass as he headed to the bathroom. Hakyeon, predictably, grinned over his shoulder and had a little more of a pep in his step as he went. Assuming the elder would take a while, Taekwoon fished his phone out of his pocket and flicked through a few apps, pulling his knees to his chest as he did so. _Neko Atsume_ was one of his favourites at the moment (how could it not be, the objective was collecting cats) he was glad to see Tubbs contently lying by the food bowl. He went through a few of his apps – checking Facebook, Twitter and Kakao Talk – before finally growing tired. Hakyeon had finished his business (he’d heard the toilet flush about five minutes prior) but the tap was still running. 

Tired of waiting, Taekwoon got up to go check on the elder (they had also made plans to go get boba and he was starting to get really impatient for that tapioca goodness.) As Taekwoon approached the door, he heard hisses and near constant mumbling. Confused, and more than a little apprehensive, he cracked the door open to take a quick peek at what Hakyeon was doing. Steam was rising from the sink, Hakyeon was staring wildly at his hands and scrubbing rapidly. He couldn’t make out the words the tanned boy was mumbling, but they were being said with such vitriol it took the breath from his lungs. From his angle, he could see a pile of used and fresh bandages on the counter and could (unfortunately) see how bloody and raw Hakyeon’s hands looked. 

He felt his stomach twist and turn. Hakyeon was sick, really sick. He had to be stopped, even if the idea of barging in made Taekwoon’s face and ears burn with shame and horror. Taekwoon pushed through his hesitation and burst into the room, shocking Hakyeon in the process. He wrestled with Hakyeon, trying desperately to keep the elder from hurting himself any more than he already had. The tanned boy fought against him, struggling, tears beginning to well in his eyes as Taekwoon pulled him out of the bathroom and back into the living room. He tossed Hakyeon onto the couch and stared, open mouthed at his bloody hands.

“You,” he couldn’t tear his eyes away, despite how desperately Hakyeon tried to hide it, “you stay there.”

Needing a moment, Taekwoon excused himself to the bathroom. He was completely out of his depth with this and he knew it. Hakyeon was sick, too sick for his help. Was that why he always wore the bandages? What possessed him to hurt himself? He took a deep, shaky breath and grabbed the clean bandages and first aid kit from the medicine cabinet. After a moment, he went back out to the living room, took a seat next to the elder and gingerly began to bandage him up.

He kept his eyes on his work, unable to look Hakyeon in the eyes. He didn’t know what to say, he wasn’t particularly verbose to begin with. Hakyeon, on the other hand, was incredibly emotional and as such was trembling and breathing in such a way that he knew the elder was trying to hold in tears.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Taekwoon. You don’t have to do this.” God, his voice was cracking, Taekwoon really couldn’t do this. He wasn’t equipped to handle this level of emotional labour.

He winced inwardly as he cleaned the wounds. “I know I don’t. And don’t apologize.”

Hakyeon was well on his way to hysterics. “But I’m sorry. I’m sorry, you shouldn’t be seeing me like this. I shouldn’t have done this now, not here, not with you, I—,”

Taekwoon cut him off with a sharp look. (Hakyeon’s eyes were puffy and red, tears making their way down his cheeks.) “What did I just say? You don’t have anything to ap—. Well, just,” he sighed and looked back down at his work, “just don’t apologize OK? Let me try to fix you up.”

Once the cleaning and sanitizing was done, Taekwoon froze. First Aid training had been so long ago, and he’d never had to bandage a hand before with anything more than a dollar store Bandaid. He struggled for a few moments before Hakyeon wordlessly took over. He covered his wounds with practiced ease as everything instantaneously fell into place for Taekwoon; he always wore those bandages; his hands were always so frail and sensitive to the touch…He just barely supressed a groan.

“So,” he didn’t want to ask, all he wanted to do was leave and never come back, never talk to Hakyeon again, “how long have…I mean…” How did you start a conversation like this? How was he supposed to help Hakyeon?

“What, this? Hurting myself? Years. Almost all my life.” Hakyeon finished wrapping his hands and placed the excess to the side. “I’m sorry.”

Taekwoon had never understood self-harm, not really. He’d always held the opinion that it was a fairly pointless affair which only acted as a cry for attention. Now that he was faced with someone who actually did it, though, someone he was close with, he wasn’t sure how he felt. 

“Why?"

Hakyeon shrugged, clearly uncomfortable with the conversation. “It feels right. It hurts, sure, but I deserve it. It makes me feel better.”

That didn’t make any sense.

He decided to change subjects a little.

“What were you saying in there?” He amazed himself with how casual he was able to sound. 

Hakyeon hesitated for a moment, his eyes empty. “That I was dirty.”

“What does that mean?”

“Exactly what it sounds like.”

Taekwoon paused. He was ready to leave it at just that, to go for the bubble tea and never talk about this again, but something (perhaps curiosity, perhaps social pressure) made him push forward.

“I’m going to need a bit more than that.”

Hakyeon observed Taekwoon for a moment, trying to get a read on him. Whatever he saw in Taekwoon’s eyes must have encouraged him because he let out a defeated sigh and sat back into the couch. “Well then get comfortable, it’s a long story.” He paused, hesitating again. “Ah, how do I start? OK, so I told you my dad has depression, right? And what we had no idea until we came to Canada and he got the diagnosis? I have something…similar. In a way. I have a sort of weird offshoot of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I have, well, Body Dysmorphic Disorder.”

Taekwoon blinked. “So, you’re obsessed with germs?”

The elder stared at his hands, picking at his nails as he spoke. “Sort of? BDD is a sort of anxiety disorder. It makes you fixate on something about your appearance, makes you think other people see it as a glaring flaw, even if it isn’t, even if no one notices. It can be anything, really, your nose, a small scar, something like that. For me it’s – well, I told you I was bullied as a kid, right? But never what for…The other kids, they uh, they made fun of me for my skin tone. They said I was too dark, that I was a ‘black pearl’, a ‘dark horse’ and other stuff that wasn’t nearly as friendly. Lightening creams were pushed on me from a really young age, I was told to say out of the sun, so I wouldn’t get any darker; I was treated like absolute shit. By the time we moved to Canada I was already messed up. I sort of thought, ‘If you can scrub dirt from your hands, maybe you can scrub the colour’. I feel like I’m dirty all the time now. I look at myself in the mirror and I _hate_ what I see. I’ve been getting kind of better, I swear. I’ve been seeing a therapist and I’m not as bad with the scrubbing…I used to do it until I bled every time. I’m a bit better now so, in a way I guess I’m proud.”

Taekwoon brought his knees to his chest, trying to hide himself from the elder. “I didn’t know.”

Hakyeon snorted, though there was no humour in his tone. “Well, yeah. I don’t really make a point of telling people. I don’t burden people with my problems, I listen to other people’s problems.”

A pregnant pause fell over the room. Taekwoon scratched as his kneecap and felt a rock form in the pit of his gut. Too much time had passed now for him to say anything, and he wasn’t sure what to say regardless. This wasn’t his forte. He wished he was anywhere else. 

“You ready to get boba?” Hakyeon asked, interrupting Taekwoon’s stewing.

“Yeah.”

\-- 

Midterms and winter were fast approaching. Taekwoon was excited for neither. Canadian winters were legendary for near Arctic temperatures; he was convinced Canadians had evolved to better stand the unbearable weather conditions. As for midterms, Taekwoon had a few papers to do for his kinesiology classes and a couple of performances for music, the latter of which was considerably less daunting. Due to the fact that Taekwoon was a bit of a procrastinator (he stood firm in his belief that the masterpiece called _Undertale_ was far more to blame than he was), he had been getting more and more irritable with every passing day. Finally – after tackling Hongbin to the ground in their backyard – he agreed that he maybe needed to get out of the house. 

That was how he ended up in Hakyeon’s apartment across town the day before a major paper was due. He was going to be staying over – thankfully Wonshik was visiting a friend in a nearby city, and as such would be unable to interrupt their study session – and hopefully getting some sleep somewhere in there. Hakyeon, bless him, had bought an espresso machine which made the _perfect_ latte, for a hundred some-odd-dollars (just to please Taekwoon, not that either of them commented on it) and had stocked up on instant noodles and miscellaneous treats from the Asian market downtown.

Hakyeon had a paper to do as well, but the lucky bastard only had to edit it. He’d finished the rough draft two weeks before it was due and had done his final draft week ago and was editing it now to hand in _early_. Taekwoon, on the other hand, was only halfway done the three-thousand-word monstrosity and still had a few more sources to collect.

_EK is applicable to various cognitive skills, i.e. memory, attention, thinking and entails a number of techniques to enhance hemispheric communication and functioning (Gallo, 2005)._

He could feel Hakyeon peeking up at him every once in a while.

_EK’s exercises were originally derived from the work of neuro-rehabilitation specialists and include kinesthetic experience with such as movement with new learning._

Taekwoon dimly registered that Hakyeon had stopped typing. Why, he had no clue, he was far too busy reading; too wrapped up in the animalistic need to get this paper done. 

_The concept of EK is based on the assumption that specific movements (similar to those performed by naturally by children as part of the process of brain development) can improve body-mind integration. This integration can be obtained through brain-gymnastics-strategy that implements the concept of EK (Northey, 2005)._

Taekwoon had had enough. He could feel Hakyeon’s eyes boring holes into his cheek; enough was enough. He whipped his head up to glare at the elder and was caught off guard by the way Hakyeon was looking at him. Taekwoon was rendered completely speechless (which was admittedly, not unusual) and his breath caught in his throat. Cha Hakyeon was ethereal.

There was this soft, tender look in his eyes and a small, warm smile on his lips. The sunlight, streaming in from the window behind Taekwoon, caught in his inky black hair and reflected off of his skin, giving him this healthy, otherworldly glow. What really surprised Taekwoon, however, was not how reverently Hakyeon stared at him (Hakyeon always looked at him like that), but instead, what shocked him was that he wasn’t looking away. Taekwoon had caught him staring, shouldn’t he be getting embarrassed and looking away now? 

Ever the original, Hakyeon did not look away, but instead, leaned in, placed a soft kiss to Taekwoon’s temple and put a hand on the back of his neck. It rested there for a moment as Hakyeon pulled back and stared at him again, judging his reaction. He squeezed his neck playfully before turning back to his work as if nothing had happened. Taekwoon, on the other hand, sat there, staring for a moment. He worked to put his carefully constructed, stony mask back on, but found as he turned back to his laptop that a small grimace played at the corners of his lips.

\--

Taekwoon’s hair had finally gotten to a manageable length – finally just beginning to brush his shoulders – it had taken quite a while, but he finally picked out a few styles that he liked for when he needed the locks out of his face. (The fact that most of those styles really drove Hakyeon nuts was a mere coincidence, of course.) He could often be found in late November on the recliner in the living room with his hair pulled back into a messy bun or a mid-temple ponytail.

His housemates (Jaehwan and Hongbin specifically) often teased him for his sudden shift in opinion on the length of his hair. Everyone knew it had been for Hakyeon, even if Taekwoon would never admit it aloud. Hongbin would tug on the ponytail playfully, dimples so deep that he could only get mildly annoyed; Jaehwan, on the other hand, made explicit, sexual jokes and would ask him how hard Hakyeon pulled on it.

Quite hard.

But the gentleness of his bandaged fingers carding through his locks after made up for it.

The way Hakyeon looked at Taekwoon had changed slightly too with this new hairdo. He would nibble on his lower lip briefly and the purest pink would dust his cheekbones, his eyes glassy as he stared. Similarly, when he ran his hands through his hair, Hakyeon would fumble with whatever he was doing and swallow thickly. It made Taekwoon feel good.

Hakyeon knew Taekwoon had done it for him, but he didn’t know how much pleasure Taekwoon derived from his pleasure. Neither of them commented on it, though, and they both knew they never would.

\--

“So, you’ve never been in love?” Hakyeon asked as he kissed his way down Taekwoon’s torso, his tongue expertly dipping into his navel.

He felt his heart stop for a moment, but then Hakyeon started to suck marks into the valley between his hip and his cock. “No. Obviously not.” (He had no markings except for his own, it should have been abundantly clear to Hakyeon that love wasn’t on the proverbial menu.)

He heard the other snort, but didn’t see it as his head was tossed back (mostly because Hakyeon’s lips were running up and down the length of his shaft.) 

“Well, maybe I can change that,” The tanned boy countered, somewhat smugly as he fondled Taekwoon’s balls in his holy-shit-soft hands.

Fuck. 

Taekwoon immediately pushed himself up onto his elbows to stare down at Hakyeon. His stomach was clenched with absolute terror. Were they really having this conversation in the middle of… _this_? Were they really having this conversation at all? 

Hakyeon must have seen the look on his face because he instantly broke into false laughter. “Taekwoon, babe, I’m just joking.”

He lay back down if only because he heard the familiar sound of a bottle of lube opening. They were done for now. Even still, he had the overwhelmingly distinct feeling that Hakyeon wasn’t joking at all. But he didn’t want to think about that. 

So he didn’t.

\--

Something was different about Hakyeon. There was something lighter in the way he walked. (“It’s cuz he’s so in love,” Jaehwan had drawled.) He was suddenly looking so much more refreshed and alert than usual. (“Maybe he’s getting more sleep?” Hongbin supplied, followed by a loud snort from Jaehwan and a quick mumble of: “Or significantly less.”) A softness to him, a softness Taekwoon knew was just naturally a part of Hakyeon, though it was in a significantly higher concentration. (“Have you looked at his hands recently?” Sanghyuk inquired, his lower lip brushing against his mug.)

Oh.

The bandages were gone.

When Taekwoon approached Hakyeon about the bandages – albeit tentatively and during a lull in their dinner conversation – the other had simply pursed his lips to hide a little smile.

“Don’t need them.” (Taekwoon, of course, wasn’t about to accept such a simple answer. So, after cocking his brow, Hakyeon continued.) “You’ve been helping me. You may not realize it, but you are. I’m far from fixed, that’s for damn sure, but the urges have gone down to a much more manageable amount.” He leaned across the table and ruffled Taekwoon’s hair with a tender smile – he realized idly that this was the first time he was being touched by Hakyeon’s bare hand – and winked. “It’s all thanks to you.”

Taekwoon felt sick.

\--

Taekwoon wasn’t a social person, that was just who he was. So, when Hongbin knocked on his bedroom door on a snowy Friday evening in early December, he wasn’t too happy.

“Hey, it’s House Night, d’you wanna come down? We’re going to have a couple of drinks and watch some movies.” Hongbin’s face fell a little as Taekwoon continued to stare at him, a sullen expression on his face. “It’s uh, it’s Sanghyuk’s turn to provide dinner so he’s getting us all some Vietnamese and boba. If you want food you have to come down now.”

He sat there momentarily, weighing his options. (Would he stay in his room and finally finish the genocide route of _Undertale_ , or go downstairs and suffer through a movie with his housemates for some free food?) He heaved a small sigh and closed his laptop – free food triumphed over literally everything else to a college student. When he looked up, Hongbin had a grin on his face so wide, Taekwoon wondered idly if his dimples might split right open.

When they arrived downstairs, they were met with a prolonged cry of ‘hey’ from everyone in the room. Sanghyuk was shrugging his coat on by the door, Jaehwan was lounging in the recliner and Wonshik and Hakyeon were both seated on opposite ends of the couch. He shouldn’t have been surprised to see them (they came to so many House Nights since second week, they may as well live there), but he was. Just a little. 

“I can’t believe it! You got Taekwoonie to come down!” Wonshik teased before taking a sip of his beer. “Come sit down next to me and Hakyeonnie!”

Taekwoon tried to retreat to his room, but was immediately stopped by Hongbin, who had grabbed onto his arm. He wasn’t sure free food was going to be worth sitting through a drunken Wonshik making jokes about his relationship (or lack thereof) with Hakyeon. He was ushered to the couch and forced to sit down next to the bronze skinned boy, who had a small, awkward smile on his face and a blush on his cheeks. Taekwoon texted his order to Sanghyuk and just accepted his fate. He was just lucky he only had the one class that day or he would have forgone the free food and locked himself up in his room for the night. 

“Hey,” Hakyeon mumbled with a small, crinkly-eyed smile.

“Hey,” Taekwoon returned just as quietly before letting the backs of their fingers touch between their legs. 

\--

Taekwoon hadn’t been planning on getting as drunk as he did that night. In fact, he hadn’t planned on drinking at all. But shot after shot poured down his throat until the room became hazy around him and Hakyeon’s hand on his upper-thigh no longer bothered him. Early on in the evening, Hongbin had whined about wanting to play a drinking game, but everyone had already voted on watching a movie, so it was quickly and quietly shot down by Wonshik. (They’d found a _Twilight_ drinking game online and had really wanted to play.) Once the movie was over – and everyone was sufficiently sloshed – Wonshik suggested they play Truth Or Dare, and everyone acted as if it was the greatest idea they’d ever heard (Hongbin pouted to himself.)

“What are the rules?” Sanghyuk slurred as he finished his sixth beer of the night. 

Wonshik ran a hand through his tussled, silver-blonde hair and smirked. “Regular rules, but if you pussy out of a dare you have to drink and—,”

“Don’t use ‘pussy’ like that,” Hakyeon grimaced as he readjusted so he was half-sitting on Taekwoon’s lap.

The blonde rolled his eyes. “Sure, whatever. So, if you _chicken_ out of a dare, you drink. If you do the dare, everyone else has to drink. And if you, uh, oh! If you chicken out of telling the truth, you drink and if you do tell the truth then the person who asked you the question has to drink!” 

“There’s no way to tell if someone told the truth or not,” Jaehwan challenged.

Wonshik huffed and took a swig of his Bug Light. “Well, whatever, just don’t lie.”

“Alright, alright, I’m going first!” Sanghyuk announced with unexpected vigor.

About an hour passed by with almost nothing to show for it. Though, Taekwoon was able to add more to his mental catalogue of all of them. (Nothing he wished he had known before.) Jaehwan was a dominant, but when he subbed, he subbed _hard_ ; Wonshik and Hongbin had been not-so-secretly dating since mid-October; one of Sanghyuk’s tattoos belonged to one of his mother’s best friends (which had led to a very long, awkward conversation between the three of them); Hakyeon could do the center splits, and Wonshik was still in contact with a few of the members of the idol group he’d nearly debuted with (because apparently that hadn’t been a lie).

It wasn’t until Taekwoon was half-way through his second bottle that he came back down to earth and started to pay attention again. When he did, Hongbin was in the middle of explaining why he’d gone into acting instead of law like his father had wanted. And then it was his turn.

Hongbin was clearly milking the anticipation for all it was worth. “I dare you to make out with Sanghyuk.”

Jaehwan snorted and almost immediately slipped into the younger male’s lap. Taekwoon averted his gaze (out of a strange mixture of one-part respect, ninety-nine parts distaste) but could still hear the sloppy sounds of lips and tongues sliding against each other. Hakyeon was draped over him and whispering comforting things into his ear but it wasn’t helping any, he could hear the hooping and hollering, the sounds of (oh God) of dry-humping.

“Alright, alright, alright, that’s enough, break it up!” Wonshik groaned. “If you guys don’t stop you’re gunna give me a half-chub and no one wants to see that.”

“Yeah, no one but Hongbin,” Jaehwan teased as he wiped the spit from his lips.

Everyone (but Taekwoon) laughed at that.

Jaehwan ruffled his hair and nibbled his lower lip (in a way Taekwoon supposed was meant to be seductive). “Sanghyuk, truth or dare?”

“Truth.”

“How was that kiss?”

Taekwoon wanted to die.

The lanky boy rearranged himself (clearly trying to hide his hard-on). “Better than the last one. You’ve got a bit of a thing for an audience, don’t you?”  
Jaehwan laughed. Taekwoon downed another mouthful.

“Alright, Taekwoon, truth or dare?”

There was no way he was about to make out with Hakyeon in front of everyone. “Truth.”

“What’s the worst part about Hakyeon?” Sanghyuk giggled.

Oh fuck. Dread made a quick home in the pit of his gut. His ears felt too warm, he was going to throw up. How the fuck was he supposed to answer that without completely destroying Hakyeon in front of all of their (he hesitated the use the word) friends? What was Sanghyuk playing at?

 _He’s too touchy! He looks at me like he loves me! He wants me to change! He expects too much of me! He wants me to love him!_ Taekwoon couldn’t say any of that, but he wasn’t about the plead the fifth, so he said the first thing that came to mind.

“He’s too dark. Sometimes when the lights are off I lose him.”

Everyone seemed to enjoy that answer enough. The dread subsided for now, so he filled that gap with more liquor. He immediately finished off his bottle second of merlot, his vision almost totally black by now. He asked Hongbin the first thing that came to mind (he didn’t listen to himself as he spoke) and cackled too long, too loud at his response. He didn’t even notice (or maybe pretended not to) that Hakyeon looked more crestfallen than he ever had before. That he was beginning to aggressively – though still subtly – rub his thumb along the palm of his hand.

\--

Taekwoon didn’t remember a thing when he woke up the next morning.

\-- 

He watched in fascination as snow fell from the sky outside of his window. Taekwoon had always pictured Canadian snow to be different for some reason. Maybe because they got so much of it, he sort of expected it to be shinier, or the shapes to be more pronounced, but it looked the same here as it did back home. Though, upon closer inspection, he came to the conclusion that perhaps the size of the drops were different; it was like watching white grapes slowly drift towards the ground. There was something soothing, almost hypnotic about the way they danced by his window.

“Knock, knock,” Jaehwan called as he entered Taekwoon’s room (without permission.) “Came by to see how you’re doing. Haven’t seen Hakyeon around much. Did you guys break up or something?”

There went his tranquility.

Taekwoon spun around in his chair just in time to watch Jaehwan take a seat on the end of his bed. He wasn’t a fan of people being on his bed without his permission. He tried to push the twinge of agitation away and instead cocked a brow at the other. Lee Jaehwan never _just_ stopped by. There was always some ulterior motive.

Jaehwan heaved a loud sigh and rested his jaw in his hand. “Come on, we’ve been living together for months, Taekwoon. I can’t just stop in and see how you’re doing? What, you think me showing concern for your boyfriend is suspicious or something?”

Taekwoon flinched ever so slightly (a knee-jerk reaction) and grimaced. He was growing annoyed of Jaehwan’s antics. “He’s not my boyfriend.” And he would appreciate it if Jaehwan (and everyone else for that matter) would stop insinuating that they were. He didn’t want anyone getting any ideas about him.

Jaehwan rolled his eyes and fell onto his back, his head flopping off the foot of Taekwoon’s bed, so he could stare at the other. “Oh really?” He drawled, a somewhat amused smirk playing at the corner of his lips. (Taekwoon had learned very quickly to be wary of that look.) “Then what about all those dates the two of you go on?”

Clearly he wasn’t going to stop until he got what he wanted (whatever that was) and Taekwoon was too damn tired to kick his ass, or call Sanghyuk to come kick his boyfriend’s ass. 

“They’re not dates.”

That actually pulled a chuckle out of him. “Oh please.” (He checked his nailbeds as he spoke, infuriatingly enough.) “You two go for breakfast at the Royal Diner every other Sunday, never mind the shit you do together on the side. You got on dates any elderly couple would be jealous of.”

Taekwoon pursed his lips, really not appreciating the other sticking his nose where it didn’t belong. Why Jaehwan (or the rest of his housemates, for that matter) was so fixated on his relationship with Hakyeon was beyond him. He turned his chair back around to face his desk as Jaehwan turned onto his stomach and continued to pester him with inane questions.

“Are you sleeping with anyone else? Is _he_ sleeping with someone else?”

Taekwoon snorted, completely disgusted by Jaehwan’s utter lack of tact.

“For the record, I’ll be taking that as a ‘no’. So, you’re monogamous, you go on dates all the time and Hakyeon looks at you like you put the stars in the goddamn sky for him and you still refuse to admit that he’s your boyfriend?” (Another flinch on Taekwoon’s part.) “You’ve got the worst case of commitment issues I’ve ever seen. I’ll tell you one thing though, you’d better start treating Hakyeon right before he finds someone else to do it for you.” And with that, he slunk right out the door with a grin the Cheshire Cat would envy.

Taekwoon ruffled his hair and just barely supressed a growl. Everyone was so obsessed with his love life and it was really beginning to get on his nerves. He was treated Hakyeon just fine. He liked Hakyeon, he really did, he just didn’t…Whatever. 

He opened his laptop, logged onto his Steam and account and finally started playing SOMA.

\-- 

Taekwoon hadn’t seen or heard from Hakyeon in over a week. This was immensely worrisome. Hakyeon always texted him during the day and if he couldn’t, he’d usually call at the end of it to apologize and heard Taekwoon’s voice. Exams had just finished, so he wasn’t busy studying anymore. He had planned on staying in town with Taekwoon over the winter break, so it wasn’t as if he was busy packing…Something wasn’t right. 

“Hey,” Hongbin interrupted his obsessive reverie, a large suitcase sitting at his feet, a large parka zipped up to the neck, “I’m heading over to Wonshik’s, then we’re gunna go on vacation. Did you want to come with me? Maybe talk to Hakyeon?”

Stupid.

He hadn’t even considered contacting Hakyeon. He had sat by idly waiting for a call or a text when he, himself, could have easily done either of those things. He shook his head a bit and turned his attention back to his phone ( _Candy Crush_ wasn’t going to level up by itself, after all.)

“Kay, well I’ll be back January 2nd. Jaehwan and Sanghyuk went off to Hyuk’s family’s cottage up north and I don’t think they’ll be back till after second term starts.” He paused as he racked his brain. “You and Hakyeon should have the place to yourself. You sure you’re gunna be OK here by yourself, though? Wonshik and I can postpone the road trip a few days if you need.” He seemed genuinely worried for some reason, which pulled Taekwoon’s attention away from his phone.

Of all the stupid…

He forced a tight smile. “I’m not your kid, Hongbin.”

The dimpled man heaved a loud sigh, looking at him up and down before smiling weakly back (though it was infinitely more genuine than Taekwoon’s had been.) The two waved half-heartedly at one another before Hongbin headed down the stairs and out of the front door. Once he was gone, Taekwoon placed his face in his hands. He supposed it was nice of Hongbin to be concerned, good of him to wish he could help. But there as nothing wrong. Nothing to fix. Nothing to be concerned about.

His phone vibrated in his lap.

With slow, mechanical movements he opened up his texts.

From: Hakyeon  
**Can I come over?**

No emojis. Strange. And since when did Hakyeon ask permission to enter the house?

To: Hakyeon  
**Yeah. See you soon.**

He didn’t have to wait very long for Hakyeon to arrive. Upon opening the door, however, it seemed as though he had been waiting outside for a while. His hands were shoved in his pockets, his cheeks and the tip of his nose were bright red and even his eyes seemed to be puffy and red. Taekwoon ushered the elder inside and started the kettle. Tea helped with most things.

Once they were both settled on the couch, tea mugs in hand (peppermint for Hakyeon, black for Taekwoon), they finally spoke. 

“Taekwoon, we need to talk,” Hakyeon started.

Ah. There it was.

Nothing good ever came from ‘we need to talk’. He could feel himself disengaging from the conversation already. He couldn’t handle the stress that came with ‘we need to talk’ and for the love of God, this was coming from Hakyeon. _Hakyeon_ , who spoke his damn mind all the time anyway.

“I can’t do this,” he continued, his eyes fixated on his mug, “whatever this is, whatever we have, is done.”

Oh.

Taekwoon stared in silence. This was Cha Hakyeon saying these things. Hakyeon, the man who never gave up on anything or anybody. The man who believed in talking things through with a level head. Hakyeon, who didn’t spring this sort of shit on people without forewarning.

His snort of derision pulled Taekwoon out of his temporary shock. “Well, it’s not like we were official or anything. I guess I don’t have the right to be this upset, do I? It’s not like you were my boyfriend or something. Oh my God! There it is! Jaehwan told me you didn’t like that word, he told me you flinched every time you heard it! Jesus Christ, I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before! Well, I suppose that’s not true, I think I did see it, I just didn’t want to. But it’s just a fucking word, Taekwoon! _Boyfriend!_ Why the fuck do you hate it so much? What was I to you? I wasn’t your boyfriend…I didn’t mean anything to you did I?” He hiccupped, his sobs coming out much louder than before.

“Don’t,” Taekwoon was shaking. His tone drawing Hakyeon’s eyes to him. “You do mean something to me. _You’re_ the one who isn’t being fair to _me_.”

“You’re fucking kidding me.” Hakyeon all but slammed his mug down onto the table, the scalding hot water splashing onto his hand and the table top. “Please, Taekwoon, tell me what the fuck I did to you.”

Taekwoon curled his knees to his chest, his heart pounding a thousand miles an hour. He hated conflict. He wished he was anywhere else. “I made it clear from the beginning I didn’t want anything romantic. Since day one you tried to force me to love you. You were bound to be disappointed.”

Hakyeon unfastened a few of his top buttons and pulled one side of his shirt off his shoulder, showcasing Canis Major on his left collarbone. “Well I told you from the beginning that I fall in love fast and hard.” 

“Then I guess we’re both fucked.” Taekwoon quipped. He was tired of this. Tired of people treating them like a couple, tired of Hakyeon expecting what he couldn’t give, tired of being treated like a bad guy just because he couldn’t and didn’t want to fall in love. 

Hakyeon looked genuinely hurt by that one. For reasons unknown to Taekwoon. “Yeah I guess so. Maybe it was unfair to me to expect so much of you, but you still treat me like shit. You never texted me, I always had to reach out to you.” He paused, tears pouring down his cheeks. “You used information against me; you fucking hurt me after I chose to trust you.”

Taekwoon furrowed his brows. What the fuck was he talking about?

“Do you not even fucking remember? You got drunk out of your mind and called me ‘too dark’. Said you lost me when the lights were off. You _knew_ how I feel about my skin tone, you _know_ the problems I have with my body, how _dare_ you joke about those things in front of our friends?”

OK. He’d fucked up. Admittedly, he couldn’t remember it, but the conviction with which Hakyeon said it, made him believe it. He’d fucked up big time. No wonder Hakyeon hadn’t spoken to him for over a week.

“I’m so—,”

“Sorry?” Hakyeon licked his lips, his eyes blazing. “Save it, Taekwoon, I really don’t want to hear it. I told you things I haven’t told _anyone_ before. I opened up to you, I trusted you and you couldn’t even respect— Look…I love you, obviously that’s a mistake, but I do. And I don’t think I can be with you anymore if you’re not going to feel the same way, or at least respect me enough to not treat me like a bitch. I need to be alone to figure a few things out, alright?”

What could he say to that? They were at an impasse. Hakyeon loved him and Taekwoon could never return the feelings. Taekwoon had hurt Hakyeon in ways he’d never felt before. He’d probably fucked him up even worse now with what he’d done. He just wished things didn’t have to end like this. He wished he could go back in time and unsay those things. He wished he could have made it clearer that love was never on the table. He wished he’d never met Hakyeon.

“For what it’s worth,” Taekwoon started, as the elder moved to leave, “I am sorry.”

Hakyeon paused for a moment, seeming to deliberate. “Too bad it’s not worth much. Enjoy your break, Taekwoon.”

The last thing Taekwoon hears from Hakyeon is a pitiful sniffle and the slamming of the front door.  
\--  
Taekwoon doesn’t cry. And that scares his housemates. They speak about it in the New Year in hushed tones over their morning coffee when they think he can’t hear him, they stare at him above their laptops, hoping to finally catch him break. They would really get on his nerves if he cared enough to notice. There had been no outbursts, on the contrary, Taekwoon rarely thought about Hakyeon anymore. 

All was well.

_Wasn’t it?_

Taekwoon yawned loudly into the crook of his elbow and flicked his bangs out of his eyes. The back of the bus was stiflingly warm, but it came as a pleasant reprieve from the biting January cold. It was his turn to provide dinner for House Night, so his plan was to go across town for the incredibly popular taco dip and tortilla chips and just order to pizzas with his BOGO 50% off promotional coupon. Done and done. Minimal effort (and money) required.

The bus came to a very sudden stop, nearly forcing Taekwoon out of his seat. He took a look to see who was getting on the fairly crowded bus and subsequently felt the wind get knocked out of him. Of course, it was him. Who else would it be?

The two caught each other’s gaze only for a moment, and as if on instinct, Hakyeon grinned at him before taking a seat around the middle of the shuttle. Taekwoon, on the other hand, remained there, completely frozen, his mind running at a million miles an hour.

_He smiled. He smiled at me. Does he miss me? Should I talk to him? Would that be appropriate? Hakyeon smiled at me. Would he want to talk to me? Is he going to talk to me? He smiled at me. He looked so happy._

Every thought overlapping, interrupting one another, forcing tears to prick at his eyes and his hands to shake. He was so wrapped up in the adrenaline of the moment that he nearly missed his stop. Once off the bus, he turned around and made eye contact with Hakyeon once more before walking off towards the store. Taekwoon had to shove his hands into his jeans pockets in a vain attempt to get them to stop trembling.

The bandages were back.

Taekwoon spent the better part of the afternoon lying face down on his bed, listening to the playlist Hakyeon had made for him months prior, trying to will the tears to come. 

They didn’t.

\--

The bun was irritating him. The mid-temple up-do was a hassle. Shot after shot, warmth pooling in the pit of his stomach slowly turned to courage. A pair of scissors, full length mirror and morning regrets turning to an appointment at a hair salon.

Taekwoon chopped his hair off shorter than it had been at the beginning of the semester.

When his housemates saw it, they didn’t comment on it.

**Author's Note:**

> notes
> 
> Anatomy Physiology For Kinesiology Practice Exam 3 by Chasemaz  
> http://www.proprofs.com/quiz-school/story.php?title=anatomy-physiology-kinesiology-practice-exam-3
> 
>  
> 
> Qi Gong’s relationship to educational kinesiology: A qualitative approach  
> http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1360859208001976


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